Valentine’s Day is upon us yet again as a reminder of the unsurpassed ingenuity and ascendancy of American capitalism, despite the stormy petrels circling the current economic landscape. Not to worry: the Government in which we trust has promised us Valentine’s stimulation, so get out there and buy something.

None of this interests Quixote that much, and I am certain he will wile away the Valentinian hours pining for Dulcinea del Toboso, except that he’s been pestering me with thoughts about love and such. In particular, he’s wondering if our atheist friends feel the same way about love as we Christians do. I gave it some thought, and compiled some Valentine pointers below for your edification. This is a list of how it’s not done on Valentine’s day, by category*:

If your date says, “How do I look?” Don’t respond:

• When you’re dead, you’re dead atheist: “Heeeeeey Bebe.”
• Christian: “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.”
• Elite atheist: “You and a cow have homologous structures.”

If your date says, “Kiss me.” Don’t respond:

• WYDYD atheist: “Come to Butthead.”
• Christian: “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.”
• Elite atheist: “Did you know there are millions of bacteria in the human mouth?”

If your date says, “Do you love me?” Don’t respond:

• WYDYD: “Whatever you say, Bebe.”
• Christian: “I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh.”
• Elite atheist: “Well, your pheromones must be strong tonight. Love’s just a human conception, not an objective or absolute value in any real sense of the word, but my neurons do seem to be firing strangely tonight.”

If your date says, “Will you love me forever?” Don’t respond:

• “Let me sleep on it, baby, baby, let me sleep on it. Let me sleep on it. I’ll give you an answer in the mornin’.”
• “Did you know the Bible says that a wife should be subject to her husband?”
• “Well, we are hard-wired through evolution to care for our mates so that our children grow up to reproduce; therefore, making us successful biological organisms.”

*In Quixote’s mind there are two classes of atheist that may be found within both weak (negative) and strong (positive) atheism. The WYDYD atheist, often referred to as the low-church atheist, does not know or care about Euthyphro, logical syllogisms, Reason, Nihilism, Existentialism, and may or may not believe in Darwinian evolution, etc. He just knows that when you’re dead, you’re dead. By contrast, the elite, or high-church atheist, is generally well-educated, philosophical, and intensely concerned with Science and evidence, among other associated characteristics. Strong or Positive atheism may be represented by the phrase “There is no god or gods.” Weak or Negative atheism may be represented by the phrase “There’s no, or not enough, evidence to persuade me to believe in a god or gods.”